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Sunday, May 30, 2010 / 12:28 AM
I doubt anyone would read this post but here it goes....
You know what?
I feel like total jerk these days
Or maybe Im a jerk
I feel that I used my words to hurt many of my friends
Or probably caused problems with them cuz of my mouth
I feel that this is probably the worst thing that I have ever experienced
Maybe is becuz my thinking has changed
So I assess myself in a more mature manner
Then I find myself behind really snoobish, like a real scumbag taht thinnks that everyone doesnt mind
But now I find that I myself mind the things I do
I only tend to regret after I have said those things
Like after I said it, a split second later I find myself being slapped by those same words in my heart
Then it will suddenly occur to me "Why did I said that? Cant I just think before I say anything?"
It has become a habit for me
A really bad habit
Also I find that the "new" me that has became more aggresive in stuff has led me to overdoing alot of things, hence creating more problems for myself and many others in the end
I find that I have changed after I became more aggresive in life
That change happened during Annual Camp, I realised
Not saying it has anything to do with NCC, but ya that is fact, the camp so of changed me, cuz I saw some other things in a different view
It seems so strange
Being aggresive in life tends to be a good thing, especially some sort in NCC, where u fight for yr chances sometimes so as to be the best
But it doesnt work that way in aspects of life
It has just become a living nightmare for me
I overdo things
Instead of making it better, it becomes worse
This has got to stop I say
Recently, or one month ago, I almost ruined something
Recently it has been ruined I guess
Partially, or mostly it is kinda my fault
I asked the party whether was he angry at me or something else
He said it wasnt me, but I cant help but to think that it is my fault
What is done is done, I cannot change back facts
I erred and ruin them
Im sorry about that and Im even more sorry that I cannot do anything
I cant help but to think more negatively nowadays
I cant help to think that everyone hates me
It might not be true, but it is not up to me to determine it
I might never know the truth
Sometimes, I blame others for saying the untruth
But thinking now, what led them to think of the untruth?
It is the undeniable fact that I have done something wrong that gave them the loophole to say it
If u dun wan others to talk about u, dun ever give them a glimmer of light to say anything untruth about the thing
I have become a notorious troublemaker in my class in my point of view
I caused inconvience to all, I ruin good things, I spoil good plans and even good moods
I have caused people to doubt in my abilties, I have caused them to lose trust and faith in me.
I have lost my credibility too
This has got to stop
It has to, or I will be ruined
I tell myself there should be at lest 5 things I should change now
I came up with the 5
1. Change that attitude of mine
2. Change that thinking of mine
3. Change that habit of having a big mouth
4. Change that body language that I give others
5. Stop giving bad impressions to people's minds
This is only 5, there might be, or must be more I could do
Seriously, I cannot make up for the fault I have done
All I can do is to change
So that more people wouldnt suffer from my bad attitude
So more people wouldnt be victims of mine
I really cannot, or dunno what to do to make it up to the people that I have let down
I really have no face to face them anymore
I just beg for their forgiveness
I hope that you will forgive me for what I have done and accept me again
To all that I have let down,
Im sorry,
really really sorry
and it comes from the bottom of my heart
I might not be able to do anything
but to change
so I wish u will accept me again
give me one more chance to gain yr trust
and be yr friend
I wish that u all can forgive me
and start afresh with me again
Once again,
Im sorry...
